After over 30 years of racing (to old now), trail riding (almost too old), Haryleying (wife won't let me), partying (not no more), dual sporting (now were talking), touring, crashing, sport touring and adventure riding (come to daddy) a guy kind of gets a little set in his ways of who he rides with, how he rides, his choice of equipment, and of course his choice of machinery. Here is my admittedly-----totally demented take on my riding now---and how to really enjoy the things this great nation has while riding your motorcycle.
Some comments are "tongue-in-cheek", but I guess some are not. None are observations------all are from personal experience.

1. While considering the purchase of your latest bike----go out and buy every bike rag you can find and read the riding impressions of all the models available. Completely eliminate all models that came out on top of the comparisons as the opinions are from a very young, snot nosed, racer type dude with many body piercings and won't be worth a shit riding over Mosquito Pass in Colorado.

2. Choosing a riding partner--be very carerul here. The amount of chrome and the loudness of the exhaust is directly proportional to the distance covered or amount of riding time done in a day. The more chrome and the louder the bike----the less riding your are going to do! You will spend most of the day being seen and heard--total unnecessary blips of the throttle at stop lights work very well for this---the rider will begin to squirm and eventually leave your company if you get him out where he can't be seen or heard by an appropriate number of people.

3. Picking a place to go-------Ok, an example: Lets say you want to go to Colorado------get on the net and get all the brochures available for all the hot spots that everyone wants to visit----you may end up with a 3ft. tall pile of mail-----your just getting started, so settle down. If your using maps---get your highlighter out and mark all those cool places, national parks etc, being very accurate so as not to make any mistakes-----now with some scissors or a razor knife cut a hole in your map until all of the highlighted area is gone. Now when you get to Colorado----treat all those holes in your map like the "Big Black Hole" in space. By no means don't get to close to them or you may fall in and be caught in a 12 mile line of choking motor homes full of screaming kids and unhappy mother in-laws, all tying to get to same place.

4. Speaking of maps-------you know those regular ones you use to get free and now have to pay $3 for at the local gas station or quick store. Get one----and don't ride on any roads that are on that map------as the 12-mile line of choking motor homes are on those roads----believe me.

5. And speaking of GPS's (we weren't -oh well) throw those pissy-assed little III's, III+'s and V's on the ground and get some use out of your 2lb. hammer in the garage!!! Get a man's sized GPS------- I'm talkin' big here----really big-----a Garmin 276C----3,000 (yes, you heard me right) waypoints---50 routes, 20 saved track logs-----big, I mean big screen argghhh arggghh arrgghhh argghhhh------uuuuohhhh!! (Tim Allen Grunt)

Zumo----Schmooomo-----------belongs in a soccer mom's mini-van.

6. When to ride?? Never ride in the heat of summer. It's too hot (duh)------the fisherman, chrome bikers, golfers, snot nosed kids who just got their drivers license, campers, boaters, kids out of school etc., etc., etc., ----everybody is out------and a whole lot of them are drunk--seems like most of them are mad about something or the other------riding on a summer weekend night is like rolling the dice.

7. When to ride -----the chrome bikers will put their bikes up as soon as the temperature falls below 80 degrees, so will the average bikers-that's 95-98% of the motorcycle traffic, gone!!! The kids will all disappear as soon as school starts. When the temperature falls below 70 degrees----almost all travelers will mysteriously disappear, most travelers are bent on being hot and miserable----now you got the road to yourself. You can almost guarantee there are no drunks on the road from 5AM to noon (my favorite time to ride). Never go anywhere on a holiday weekend. My best example: I road up to the South rim of the Grand Canyon in 1983 in the first of March-----I had the entire South rim to myself. In the summer you may not get in and may have to take a number to pee.

8. Where to eat????? Café's are a sure thing. When you see an eating establishment----note carefully the name of it-----have you seen that name before???? -think hard-----you have!!!! Move on down the road quickly before anybody sees you. After finding a good "Mom and Pop" eatery-----wobbly tables, chalk board menus (or none at all), uneven wooden floors, a bathroom door barely wide enough to squeeze thru, a waitress that hollers across the room and has a pencil in her ear are all dead giveaways of you guessed it---------------good food and a fun time!!!!

9. Calls to nature--------I prefer packing my own TeePee so I can poopey on the fly----but if caught off guard riding thru a town that is big enough to support a McDonalds----luck is with you---these are great aren't they ?-----you are guaranteed a nice cozy clean place to get rid of that monster turd, then move on down the road unnoticed.

10. Gas tanks-------big, big, big, the bigger the better.

11. My bikes-----bikes that I always said were ugly and would never own----now occupy my ratty old garage.

12. Gortex-----yeah, baby-----and those gortex boots really hold that water out good-----and after sticking your foot in a 2ft. deep-water crossing they hold the water in very good also-----for days!

13. Riding alone in the middle of nowhere-----when laying face down in a small river with your nose barely out of the water, a huge dualsport on your ankle which you can't get out, your leg twisted around backwards almost breaking and not being able to even twist your head around---------be thankful you didn't go alone!!! I tried to be calm knowing big ole' Rodney was behind me and would pull the bike off of me in the next minute or so.

14. Always remember the "Old Dirt Bikers Lament"---------"The older you get----the bigger your rear sprocket gets.

15. Big word of advice-------put your helmet on while loading your dirt bike into your enclosed trailer-----learned this from none other than enduro champion Dick Burleson himself while reading dirt bike magazine. Then a week later me and my son laughed till we almost choked as I heard a thump and Marty (16 years old at the time) came out of the trailer bleeding from his forehead---trying not to use that F word in front of dad!!

16. Helmets-----I deplore the government telling me to do anything. I will march and protest against helmet laws as long as I'm still kicking---however!! If you choose to not protect yourself with a helmet----please don't ask to ride with me, as I would hate for the circumstance to come up where you might have to make a decision that concerned "MY" safety.

17. "Saving Lives"-----now here's a hot one. If you must have exhaust pipes that are saving your life---please don't ask to ride with me; you are annoying me and 99% of the people around you a whole lot. I wish the police would enforce the laws that are already in effect.

18. Man those leather chaps look cool and are sure handy when you have to pee, but after sliding down the hot asphalt at 70mph on your butt-----you may wonder "what happened to my ass?"--------Duh !

19. Fingerless gloves----read the above.

20. "Look at that puss with the heated grips"------quoted from a man who put his bike up 3 months ago and won't get it out for another 4 months.

21. "Ain't you hot in that outfit"? As I get older---and after hearing that a jillion times---I just can't take it anymore.. No words will convince the person asking this question about the virtues of the comfort and safety of your riding gear-------your wasting you time as they close their ears completely after saying that. Me and my wife will never forget the couple on a gold wing that pulled up beside us at a restaurant on a nice 65° morning and asked that question. Then-----both pulled up their shorts and showed us the scars from their last get-off (they were nasty). She also said----"what is that bag on top of your gas tank"----"are you beginner riders---how long you been riding"? "Ain't that in your way"??-------------------Well--"I told her,,,I don't sit on my gas tank" . Let's eat somewhere else---sheeesh.

22. "Group Communicators"----or "How to get nowhere fast"------let me create a scenario------8 bikes, all two-up, all with headset communication---now were talking 16 headset communicators. Your speed, every turn you make, where you gas up, how loud you fart and the route will all be continually monitored and critiqued by all 16 communicators, especially the ones on the back seat------you're not going to get no where, nobody's happy--and I'm not going to get into the "pee break" thing, as this drives me insane-----break off quickly and hit the road alone.

23. Cruise Control------won't ride on a road where you could even use one.

24. All bikes are great nowadays!! When somebody puts down a bike------he has ridden it out of it's intended purpose and design----- his comments mean nothing. "Man that KLR handles table top jumps like crap---I wouldn't have one of them"----------laugh as you ride yours around the world----twice.

25. Any horsepower over 55 is a waste-------Yeh, I know I have one with 98---give me a break--it just sounds so good !!!! 40 or less will get you around the world just fine.

25. Poker Run-----the most boring thing you could possibly do on a motorcycle.

26. Iron Butt riding-----------sorry, not today, no thanks---I've got to mow the grass----yawnnnnn ZZzzzzzz.....................

27. 6AM---you've got your tent almost packed up----your new riding partner says-------"I'm not packing my tent up till it's dry" !!!!! OK------see ya later...............

28. If your motorcyle only has one cylinder-----pack an extra new sparkplug.

29. Wouldn't go to Daytona bike week or Florida (sorry Floridians) if it was across the street.

30. Don't let the size of your gas tank or the type of tires you are using tell you which way you can go when at a wye in the road.

I warned you it was demented !

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